


Sometimes I Want to Crawl Under the Bed

by halfhuman2214



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band), All Time Low, One Direction (Band)
Genre: Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety Disorder, Gen, Lots of anxiety, Separation Anxiety, Social Anxiety, Sorry guys, the other two bands dont play a huge part, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-27
Updated: 2014-10-27
Packaged: 2018-02-22 12:40:01
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,738
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2508158
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/halfhuman2214/pseuds/halfhuman2214
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Stress can come from any event or thought that makes you feel frustrated, angry, or nervous. Anxiety is a feeling of fear, unease, and worry. The source of these symptoms is not always known. </p><p>All small children have anxiety, sometimes it just doesn't go away. Sometimes it does and comes back after a triggering event. Sometimes it's both.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sometimes I Want to Crawl Under the Bed

**Author's Note:**

> So this little plot bubble appeared randomly and slowly took shape in my head. The 60 minutes video with their mums and the interview where they are talking about Michael and he starts hiding/wiping at his face (It's while his hair was green, like still really green I think) influenced it a lot
> 
> Trigger Warning.

The first time Karen worried about her sons mental health was when he was 11 and he was still struggling with separation anxiety like you would see in small children. She made do with it, worked around it. She just figured it was a result of her husband stepping out on then the previous year. Michael had always been a clingy person anyways.

Warning bells started going off when he was 13 and she caught him giving himself a pep talk by the front door before he made the walk to Calums house. The walk would only take 15 mins at most and she wondered if he did this every time he left the house. She was slowly piecing together the puzzle of Michaels behavior.

She knew what it was when she picked him up from school early for the 3rd day in a row when he was 14. Her co-worker Nancy had gone through a similar issue with her daughter. She gave Karen materials that she had found helpful and gave her the number to a really good doctor. He confirmed what she assumed and helped them transition into a "low anxiety household". It worked well, Michael was having less anxiety attacks, to the point that medication was no longer needed. They also learned tactics to calm him down when he does have an attack. Life went on and they fell into a routine. It was easy because Michael was drastically better, to the point that he could pull full days at school and only pausing briefly at the door before leaving.

Michael joined a band and that's when things got crazy and better at the same time. Michaels attacks came back full force, and home becomes a mess because the two of them are desperately trying to find a new routine that works for them. But he is spending more time with other people and going out as well as inviting them over. Karen would take the increased anxiety attacks and social interaction over the recluse her son had become anyday. Michael even initiates the conversation with a drummer he knows through Facebook. It's arguably the best thing he has ever done.

It happens so fast. He drops out of school, no longer able to really attend anyways with his anxiety acting up, and throws his all into music. Next thing he knows Calum is dropping out, and Luke is transfering to online school. They're moving to London to write, record, and make videos. He doesn't even get a chance to realize that his "low anxiety" set up will be gone before it actually is and he has an anxiety attack right there on the air plane.

He is struggling and grows quiet. He dyes his hair for the distraction, even if it isn't much of one. Having anxiety attacks 2-3 times a day is taking a lot out of him and he sleeps the day away whenever he can. He mostly just wants to go home, hug his mum and never leave the house. But that isn't going to happen anytime soon because 1D has discovered them and their fan base is growing. Now he is freaking out. Which isn't helping the anxiety attack he is currentlying having and has been for a while. Not being able to calm down was kicking his anxiety even higher. He was going to pass out if he didn't normalize soon.

"Mikey. Mikey. You have to breathe. Square breathing, I know you know it. Come on do it with me." Liz says kneeling in front of him. Finally the tension left his body and he slumped against the bathtub exausted. "There we go." Liz's smile was soft as she looked at him in the harsh bathroom light. "We have to talk about this Mikey. Everyone is worried. Your mum says you aren't talking to her. How long has your anxiety been acting up?"

Michael looked at her, getting worked up again. "No. No. No. How do you know?"

"Hey. Hey. Hey. Its alright. Your mom explained everything to me. Now you have to tell me what you need." Liz says, her voice never leaving the comforting tone.

Michael takes a shakey breath and looks into her eyes. "I-I don't know. What we were doing at home wasn't working anymore Liz. When the band started I got bad again and we couldn't get it back to what it used to be. And it didn't occur to me that even what little we had was keeping me grounded until we left home. I-I can't keep going on like this. I can't leave the house or talk to people. I just want my mum. I just want to go home." 

Liz frowns at the boy in front of her. "Oh Michael." She rubs his shoulder. "We'll figure it out okay. We will make it work. You, me, the boys. We will all figurelse it out."

"NO!" Michael pulls away from Liz getting worked up again. "They can't know. They'll treat me differently."

"Okay. Okay Michael we won't tell them. If you don't want them to know then we won't tell them. I promise." Liz promised the pale boy, even though everything inside her screamed not to. "We'll call up your mum and the 3 of us will figure it out yeah?"

It takes until they are on tour for them to find the mix that works. At the last moment too because Liz was getting tired of it all. She was tired of lieing to her son and the other two boys. She was tired of listening to Michael have anxiety attacks. Tired of Michael getting quite and asking one of the boys if they are mad at him. She was tired of the boys making them backtrack because they simply didn't know. Until suddenly they find something that works for them. It started with Michael getting an hour to himself in the middle of the day. It gave him the chance to collect his thoughts and ground himself. Then it was cutting caffeine out of his diet. It was difficult because the attacks had been wearing him out, but in the end it was worth it. Next he started calling his mum once a day. Even if it was just a hi how are you. Liz also found asking how he was once at the end of the day was better then asking multiple times a day. When they found it, they rolled with it and that was that.

It went back to how it used to be, there was a decent amount of time between each attack. Occasionally he would have one before the show and that was that he was fine by the time they went on. Then Liz went home, she was no longer needed because Luke was old enough and Michaels perfect little world shattered. He wanted Liz to stay, but he knew it wasn't fair to her, so he kept his mouth shut and let her go. He tried to keep his routine. He still called his mum everyday, but he didn't get the alone time he wanted or needed and that was his set back. He quickly returned to having multiple attacks a day and hiding out in bathrooms from the boys.

Which is how he got into this situation he was in now. Calum, Ashton and Luke were staring at him as he crumbled infront of them. Their faces were confused and scared, not really sure what was going on. Something must have clicked inside of Ashton because he was kneeling infront of Michael. "Hey Mikey. You gotta calm down. What do you use?"

"S-Square b-breathing." Michael stutters out still gasping.

"Good. Good. Can you do that with me? Is 4 okay?" Ashton asks. Michael manages a small nod. "Good. I'm going to start counting okay. Ready? Breathe in 2 3 4, hold 2 3 4, out 2 3 4, hold 2 3 4, in 2 3 4." Ashton keeps walking him through it until Michael calms down. "You okay now? What do you need?"

"I need to be alone for like an hour." Michael says his eyes glued to the carpet. "Please."

Hesitantly Ashton agrees pushing the other two boys out of the room. "We'' be right down the hall okay? If you need anything just call for us.?" Michael just nodded.

Michael spent the hour of alone time working through all the details of everything that happened and tried not to get to worked up again. The boys saw him have an anxiety attack. Ashton knows about calm down tactics. Ashton had dealt with someone with anxiety before. He could handle that. Maybe.

Right down the hall Ashton was pacing, Luke and Calum were watching him. Ashton was mumbling about breathing and secrets.

"Hey Ash. Can you tell us what happened in there a moment ago?" Luke asked worried.

Ashton stopped. "He had an anxiety attack, not his first if he had a go to calm down tactic. Fucking hell. Why didn't he tell us. Did you know Cal?"

"No. I wouldn't have froze like that if I had. Go to means he has had a lot of them. If I knew then I would have a lot of practice." Calum says. "Why didn't he tell us?"

"It's not just black and white Cal. There are so many different types. General, OCD, Separation, Soci... Of course. I should have seen it. It's probably social anxiety. You see it in young kids, all types actually, but sometimes people don't. Social Anxiety deals with being worried about being judged or doing something wrong. Harry took a while to grow out of it. Always asking if I was mad at him or something." Ashton says looking at the pair.

"Mikey does that every now and then." Luke says.

"So you're saying Michael has social anxiety?" Calum asks. "Why didn't he tell us?"

"If he has it he has an overwhelming feeling that people are judging him. I. His mind telling us would jus be giving us more reason still judget him." Ashton says as he checks his phone. "Its been an hour, let's go."

Quietly they enter the room they had left Michael in, he was sitting on the couch tapping away at his phone. He looked up when they entered, so they knew he was texting someone not playing some game. "Hi." He said awkwardly.

"Hi Mikey. How are you?" Ashton asked taking a seat at the end of the couch. Luke and Calum were standing in the doorway unsure of what to do.

Michael rolled his eyes and locked his phone. "You don't need to walk on eggshells around me. I'm not going to suddenly have an attack because you guys are being normal around me. Actually it's better if you are normal, much better." He directs that to the standing two. The addresses Ashton. "I'm fine. A little embarrassed you had to see that and talk me down. But eventually I'll get over it."

"You have..." Ashton started to say, but Calum cut him off.

"Years I've known you. Almost a decade and you never think to tell me that you have anxiety. You were having an attack right in front of me and I didn't know what the hell was going on. I just had to watch as Ashton talked you down. I've never felt so useless in my life." Calum rants out, his shoulders slumping.

"Cal." Luke says in a warning tone but reaches out for the boy anyways. "He didn't mean it like that. Well actually he did. But not so harshly." Luke tells Michael.

"I'm sorry okay. But it's not like I've had this diagnosis since I was little. I was 14 when I did. And me and mum learned to work with it. I never saw a reason to tell because I could go to school for a full day and leave the house without much trouble. Social anxiety isn't the easiest topic to talk about." Michael says staring at the wall. "And then when it got out of hand I was already in too deep by the time I realized and I couldn't tell you guys." 

The room is quiet for a moment before Luke asks, "Is that why my mum spent so much time with you and on the phone. And why you looked so tired all the time." Everyone was remembering back to the flat in London when Michael slept for long hours, dissapeared for long periods of time alone. And when eventually Liz kept calling him into a different room to talk to privately and spent most of her time talking to people on the phone. "You weren't you again till we got on tour."

Michael nodded. "The band is... really hard for me to be in. I get triggered really easily now. When we first started this, me and mum tried to find other ways for me stay calm since the old ways weren't working. Ultimately it's why I dropped out. I couldn't really go to school anymore and I wasn't getting anything out of it. And we never got back to how it used to be, but I had the system there. Then we moved to London and there was nothing. It was like a-a, like a cluster fuck. And Liz found me in a bathroom one day, calmed me down, and after that we worked to find what I needed." Michael moved his eyes to the floor.

"What is it that you need to do? We'll make it happen I promise." Ashton says, ready to do anything so his band mate, no his brother, can feel comfortable again.

Michael finally looks up and looks at each of them briefly. "Um... from you guys, I need like an hour of alone time in like the middle of the day to collect myself and process. And only ask me once at the end of the day how I am. We can talk about it as a band, I don't care, just only ask once."

They all nod. "Is that all?" Calum asks.

"That you can do, yeah. I don't have caffeine anymore and I talk to my mum once a day. Separation anxiety an all that from when my  dad walked out and never looked back." Michael says giving them a soft smile. "Thanks guys, for like being so cool with this."

"We've been cool with it and just didnt know." Ashton says.

it takes some adjusting on all of their parts. Michael is learning how to let them in and tell them what he needs. The boys are learning when to push and when the need to back off and give him his space. And someone always has a phone handy if he can't use his to call his mum. There are quite a few moments where Ashton finds himself dragging a concerned Liam away. Or Calum is intercepting either Niall or Zayn while they are looking for Michael. Luke usually deals with Louis by offering up a game of Fifa that the older boy can't refuse. The only one all of them have trouble detering is Harry. He is oddly suspicious about the entire situation, which turns out to be a good thing in the end because he realizes and reacts quicker then  Ashton did in comparison when he first saw Michael have an attack. Everyone still remembers the worried text conversation on the 1D/5sos group chat.

 **Haz:**  mikeyes having an anxiety attack. How do you guys calm him down?

 **Liam:** mikey has anxiety

 **Haz:** seriously guys. what do i do????

 **Cal:** give him space

 **Lou:**  is that why he always dissapears for an hour

 **Luke:** but stay in front of him

 **Ash:**  square breathing

 **Niall:** what the hell is square breathing?

 **Zayn:** shut up ni. 

 **Ash:** count like this

 **Ash:** in 2 3 4, hold 2 3 4, out 2 3 4, hold 2 3 4 

 **Cal:** keep it up until he calms down

 **Luke:**  jesus fucking christ

 **Ash:** dont fucking swear

 **Liam:** okay now that haz has the information he needs...

 **Liam:** mikey has anxiety

 **Cal:** yes

 **Cal:** of the social and separation variety

 **Lou:** jesus fucking christ

 **Niall:** seriously?

 **Ash:** stop swearing

 **Ash:** but yes

 **Zayn:** wow

 **Haz:** Hes calmed down. we're heading back

 **Haz:**  thanks guys

They spent the next few weeks educating the 1D boys in what Michael needed, it was like a bonding activity. They all brought new ideas to the table. The tour went on.

They parted ways with the 1D boys, went on with their lives and careers before joining the boys again on their stadium tour. Michael used them, he had 8 people to lean on and he did. He was often found tucked under an arm of someone when the distance seemed to far and just needed a side to curl into, or curled up on the couch tapping away at the buttons of a controller with someone when he couldn't face the world. T'was how it went. He struggled as time went on and they were away from home longer. Which is how they got where they are now. They were playing in Wembly, Michael was no where to be found and they had sound check in less then an hour then after that they would break off into two groups and do an interview with 60 Minutes. Sound check was easy to get around, all they were checking was that the mic and guitars worked. The interview not so much, the most they could do was make Luke and Calum go first. Michael was found curled up in some unused room, flipping away on his phone, dried tear tracks on his face.

"You missed sound check." Ashton says kneeling down in front of him. 

"My mum didn't pick up. Why didn't she pick up. What if something happened to her?" Michael asked his voice breaking.

"I'm sure she is okay. Alright. Maybe she is in a meeting or driving. You can try and call her again after our interview. Maybe she'll pick up later." Ashton says. "You worried us when you disappeared like that."

"I'm sorry. I didn't miss the interview did I?" Michael asks.

"No. No. Luke and Cal went first. Come on lets go." Ashton pulls Michael up and out of the room.

Karen didn't pick up after the interview either. Michael had another anxiety attack. He didn't let that stop him, he hid behind his phone while they were on camera, but played a rocking show out on the stage, letting himself himself be surrounded by the music.

It was a nice surprise when their moms were waiting for them. Michael was at the back of the group, and you could tell when he noticed who was there, and even though he didn't push the other boys out of his way, Ashton stepped back to let him get through to his mum. The hug and the smile made it all worth it to him though, the image from earlier still fresh.

Michael was mopey after his mother left, but there was no anxiety attack. Which was good.

Michael was sitting out on a balcony for his hour alone that day, just looking out on the city. It was serene and quiet, he left his phone and music inside and lost all track of time. "Hey." Alex whispered sliding the glass door shut silently behind him. He took a seat next to Michael. Michael nods in his direction. "You're missing a hell of a get together. What are you doing out here?"

"Me time. I take it everyday." Michael says.

"For two and a half hours?" Alex asks. 

"I don't have my phone. Lost track I guess." Michael shrugged.

Alex looks at him, studies him for a moment. "How long?"

Michael looks at him, "Two and a half hours." He says already knowing what Alex meant.

"No. How long ago were you diagnosed?" Alex asks.

"I was 14, but I've had symptoms for longer." Michael says. "I take time to collect myself everyday. Usually only an hour. Lost track today."

Alex nodded. "General or...?"

"Social and separation." Michael says.

"Ouch." Alex says. "Harsh mix, 'specially in this life. Was it triggered by anything?"

"I don't think the social is." Michael says, eyes scanning the horizon, "My dad walked out when I was 10, I've struggled to be away from my mom since. So that's that. Is it weird that I wouldn't trade this for the world?"

"Nah. I'm the same way." Alex says. "You ready to head in, join all them?"

"Yeah." Michael gets up. "Thanks Alex. The guys don't really get it, they try, but..."

"It's not the same." Alex finishes. Michael smiles as Alex slings an arm over him as they head inside.

They are in an interview, they don't know what number, their on a couch and Ashton is talking about how they became a band, again. It was nice, normal, something they needed after the hell week they had. They couldn't keep to what Michael needed they were so busy. He hadn't been able to get his alone time at all, he only got to call his mum twice, they never got to talk at the end of the day and Michael was basically living off caffeine. He had many anxiety attacks and was feeling down about that as well. They couldn't spend time with the fans because of Michaels anxiety.

It got down to when the interviewers were talking about who brought what to the band, and they started with Michael. "Michael's like the rock force behind the band." One of the boys say. There's more talking, good things about him then "You just gotta love Michael." Rings out and he is wiping at his face to hide the tears that are forming. 

After the interview on the way to the venue Michael says, "Thanks guys. I know it... I know it hasn't been easy lately with everything. But I appreciate everything."

"Aww Mikey, we would stick through you no matter what." Ashton says pulling him in for a hug. Soon after the other boys joined in.

It wasn't easy, some days Michael could barely function, others he was fine. But they made it work, much like Michael and his mum did when it was just the two of them. 


End file.
